A poem/ prayer for lizards and tired people

I first performed this poem for St Jude’s prayer event May 2025.

I am scared of the dark. 

I am scared that there is something out there that I cannot see. 

I am scared of the possibility that there is something in the dark that I cannot see but it can see me. 

I am scared of public speaking.

I mean, I am scared of you, my audience. 

I mean I am scared that you, my audience, will see me, and that you will not like what you see.

So I pull my blanket over my head and my eyelids tight over my eyes for out of sight means out of mind. 

You see it is nice in the dark.

It is cozy. All wrapped up in my blankets.

It is simple.

I am hidden. 

It is cozy.

It is simple.

I am hidden. 

But you know how it gets when you hide under the covers for too long. 

I begin to suffocate in my own hot breath. My nose starts to itch and my eyes play dizzying patterns on the back of my eyelids and the dark is not so simple anymore. It’s not so cozy anymore. 

But even if I wanted to open my eyes and pull down the blankets are not those fears still there? 

They will see me. The monster in the corner of my room, the monsters at the back of this room. 

They will see me and tear me to pieces!

Is that not true?

Friends of mine tell me it’s not so bad. 

I hardly believe them. 

They say it’s not so bad. 

I hardly believe them. 

I am scared of the dark. 

I am scared of public speaking. 

I am more scared of the truth. 

And this is how I become comfortable in my fear.

I love the simplicity of my ignorance. 

Anything more hopeful sounds complicated.

I love the stability of these restrictions. 

Anything more free sounds simply exhausting.

Lately. 

Lately I have been taking myself to the park. I lay down on the grass with my face to the sky. I can feel the warmth of sunlight on my skin. I can see it through my eye lids!

Just like a lizard resting her cold body on the rock, basking in the glory of the Sun…

Just like her, I take my tired body to the park, lie on my back, open my eyes, and pray…

Not with my words, not with my hands, not even my heart with its complicated fears and desires, 

I pray, simply basking in the glory of the Sun.

The glory of the God of beauty and beautiful things, of seeing, of being seen. 

Let the glory of his goodness warm your blood and give you life.

Amen